really weird (09-20-06)

I dont get it sometimes I just dont. Have you ever thought that what you're going through may not be significant right now, then a couple of months or years down the road, you realise, shit it was all a test. And depending on what ur reaction or actions or decisions were at that moment, you either failed terribly or u skimmed through.

WaT DOESNT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER

right? RIGHT...... the decisions I make today will determine where my future path leads. In someway. I know that god has my future mapped out but sometimes the choices WE make just dont cut it, so hopefully the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow just gets put a little further away, not just a figment of my imagination. What? if u didnt get that dont worry, i didnt understand that either. but i got the gist of it i think.

To follow ur heart or follow ur head, has always been the biggest of my dilemmas. at the end of the day instinct always plays a part. But when ur heart reli wants something you just ignore ur instinct SCREAMING in the background........ NO NO NO......... super concious or ego or watever u call it.

Even the simplest decisions are hard, should i succumb to my desires or take my integrity in hand and wake up from this very messy fantasy of a perfect world. Be happy for a while or be noble in the long run. U know what i mean. I envy the ppl that always follow the second one. make a decision and stick with it. after thinking long and hard about it. actions, consequences and all. Im rambling, i know.

But there's always a reason for everything. i know this. and Im thankful that Im fortunate enuff to be able to see eventually. So goes on the war between my heart and head. mebe one day I'll be able to weigh and judge and stick to my goddamn decisions. I hope tht day is reli soon

-----