i feel like shit (10-13-06)

when is it the right time to stop changing yourself for people. Where is that line? When it switches from being a better person, with better social skills, ie nicer lah. to a sacrificial lamb. to a bloody doormat. I was there once, easy to walk over, making other peoples happiness more important then my own. and when it isnt appreciated to have it thrown back in your face.

it hurts, so i stopped, finally. and i thought was becoming more of my own person. But its funny how people find it soo hard to let go of old habits. how we sometimes cant see the truth.

so my lesson today is to now find a balance between the two. making the effort but knowing when to stop. and when to realise that no matter what i do some people will not like who i am. I dont give a shit anymore.

I will try to be a better person. and treat people around me better. But I swear that if they are not worth it, any effort after that will be completely and totally insincere. I will dear friends be fake. Cause I know that they dont need to know what i truly feel. cause thats what everyone else is doing. and people seem to prefer the artificial sweetner to the real stuff. so why bother.

there will always be people that will not get me. But if u already make an effort to be nice and they still prefer to be all high and mighty then im just gonna not even think bout it. We are all human. We are all different. and there is no one person in this world that is truly truly truly liked by every single person in the world.

instead ive decided that i will work to the best of my abilities to make for a more amiable existance. Whether I am genuine or not. U dont have know do you. So whoever is reading this at this moment, rest assured that you will not know that am silently scrutinising the trust i have for you. negative or positive influence u have, I myself will pick and CHOSE as my right to follow what i feel is appropriate.

im grateful for your honesty, and im happy it was over the phone. I just need time to think it over. TOUGH love is tough for a reason!!!!

and in a couple of hours i will feel better. And i wont feel like shit no more.

Thank u god for the many lessons I have learnt and the many more to come

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