my brother's gone. You think to yourself that there's a reason for everything. That he was in so much pain, and then you think and you regret and then you get angry, why is he gone.....

Then you try to take a big step back, and you realise to yourself, that you're just being selfish. The only reasons you want someone to stay is cause of how YOU feel. I couldn't imagine how much pain and suffering he went through.... and for him its finally over, the physical pain at least. I couldn't bare to see him everyday, he was the scary big brother. and suddenly he was skin and bones and he was just not him. But my brother's sense of humor rang through. to the very last few days he could talk.

Now both my father and big brother are gone. both from the same things......

They both had diabetes.... My brother from when he was a child. My father from when he was a young adult. You young people out there dont realise the importance of a healthy living. Even I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sweet food.

But you have to realise that once you get diabetes you can never be cured. you can get it UNDERCONTROL. but you still have it. Yeah Yeah Halle Berry has it, but she has money for chefs and nutritionists and expensive medical care at all times.

You think that, 'No Lah it will never happen to me.' But once you get diabetes, no matter how hard you try, your body eventually gives up without the proper care, this happens with old age too. But alot faster when you have diabetes. Imagine getting a cut, you leave it for a few hours its dry a few days later, its healed.

when you have diabetes, you have a cut, if you're not careful it gets infected, if you're seriously unlucky it spreads, if you leave it longer it turns to gangrene.A simple healing process disappearing from your body.

But diabetes is not the only thing you have to watch out for. you've got hereditary high blood pressure, anemia, heart disease. Find out what your family has and you might have it too. its a little thing called a gene pool, and disease seem to enjoy following heirs. Ive grown up with a nurse for a mother, so with her children's medical history in mind, we were routinely put through diets and blood tests... we even had a ration of ice cream. It didnt help that all my mother's children's genetic makeup made it easy for us to put on weight. For all youz out there with naturally high metabolic rates, Im jealous.........

I have had knowledge of the fact that I have a form of thalassemia since I was a child. Minor though but if I marry another carrier my children have a great possibility of getting thalassemia, a form of anemia, meaning my kids might need blood transfusions. Scary, but at least I know. So yeah maybe doctors and hospitals suck, but they might know something.

My family has a history of lumps in their breasticles, meaning its another thing I need to watch out for. But our health has never actually been such a big deal right. Cause if someone goes its cause it was an accident or 'got somebody make' (ada orang do black magic). hahahaha

But Ive grown up hearing, lai you should lose some weight, NDA LAWA....... So I grew up with some horrific self esteem issues. hahaha. didnt help that I was darker and alot taller then everybody else..... KIDS ARE CRUEL......

Now I'm gonna say.... You should seriously try to get more healthier cause you'll feel better. Cause so what if you're fat, ugly, dark, skinny, fair, short tall or smelly..... ok smelly, get some deodorant. But we should focus on promoting a healthier lifestyle, exercising having less sweet food less salt less oil. But once in awhile is fine what.

My brother is not well...... Its so sad.... But all we can do is hope and pray. When it comes down to times like this that you cant blame anyone, but you feel so helpless.

He's so young, he's only 37. Its crazy, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches, you just use whatever cards life deals you. Some people are lucky they have one of them straight flushes, some get royal flushes and in the world of card games, you know they some lucky bastards right there.

Its so weird, I guess people just deal with things there own way, as my very smart but SMALL friend said, its your own coping mechanism.... and everybody has their own. I guess I'm the kinda person that sees the humor in every single situation. I cant deal with being sad for too long, its depressing and a horrible place to be.

Some people might say Im strong, but I say that you do the best you can, cause thats all you can do. and sometimes you do need to laugh, cause when situations get too heavy and you dont break the tension then things go awry.... ( ive always wanted to use that word, I feel smart now)


But if you do know my big brother and or somebody who knew him and they can make him laugh and feel a little bit better, go visit him. go say hi, we never truly realise the effect we have on others around us. Im a firm believer that a laugh goes along way. and my brother needs to keep his spirits up, cause a happier person heals faster. Well thats what i believe.

If you do go see him please try to keep the tears in check, he doesnt need tears and sadness, he needs to feel positive and he himself must believe that he will get better.... Cause thats our only hope right now....

happy birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO AZEEM.......... keep producing them great songs and you'll be as rich as DIDDY sooner then u know.... hahahahahah

HILL MYNA

Remember growing up.......... your grandmas house would usually have a BURUNG TIONG, the amount of time you would spend trying to teach it rude things to say......... and to hear it mimic peoples voices and sounds around it was much better than tv back then, well considering we only had tv from lunchtime only, or was it later than that, the time of borneo bulletins coming once a week........ where laserdisc machines were the THING!!!! and computers and mobile phones cost a BIG HUMUNGOUS BOMB..... hahahaha mobile batteries used to be the size of a briefcase.......

But my point is that, I want to get a burung tiong man for my little girl, but surprise surprise you cant get them anymore..... you need a license, u need a permit blah blah blah..... Yes yes, I agree they are endangered now and it is cruel and unkind to take them out of their habitats, blah blah blah....


But the burung tiong will always have a special place in my heart.......... So folks, presenting, the burung tiong, the HENGLAND name is Hill Myna.........

lets sit back and reminisce, bout nights walking up in front of the tv and watching the WHITE DOT(we didnt have programs on 24-7 back then), and to pagers and smileys, to GI Joe, He-man and She-ra, to Night Rider and the Misfits of Science(a very young Courtney Cox starred), to the Love Boat, to burung tiongs in almost every house.......... hahaha.........

I sometimes wonder about our children, they wanna grow up too fast too quickly. I wish they would understand that your childhood is the best, it gives you so many great memories..... now they want the latest games, computers and mobile phones, they're only ten and they want these things....... its scary, but I guess thats what happens with every new generation, they do things differently BUT I just cant help but worry...........

My 'LITTLE' cousin Wasila sent me this following email, and its really funny to be receiving this email after my little episode in my earlier post.........


From someone I thought was a 'girl' thanks for reminding me bout how to be a 'grown woman' again.



THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GROWN WOMAN AND A GIRL


Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.


Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.


Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.


Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.


Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.


Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.


Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.


Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( i.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.


Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.


Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.


Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.


Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.


Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends. Do not go where the path may lead, go instead, where there is no path and leave a trail." WHICH IS BETTER A Girl or GROWN WOMAN Hmmmm?

its been a while

WOW, i must say its been ages......

Ive been going through this whole clingy thing, its disgusting man, i dont get it sometimes. What is it about us women...... Well I must state for a fact that not all women are the same.... So as usual Im going to be talking about myself.....

But yeah, I mean, its hard having to get used to things, I mean, I remember who i was before i got married, but its like that person sorta kinda doesnt fit anymore. Im not sure but I heard a couple of women go through the same thing after marriage.

its so weird maybe its the age thing as well, but I used to go out every night, hang out until the early hours of the morning.... Not a very healthy life.

Nowadays, Im at home or out with my husband..... and you know what happens when you do that... you have no more stories to tell... you become this really boring boring person....

Now i understand what happens the first year.... The man just goes ahead and continues his life, ok thats horrible he changes too la... hahaha... but Ive been going through this whole be a good wife thing and ask permission and shit, but then of course you lose that really exciting person your man fell inlove with... hahahaha

and i said I would never ever be this person..... thats why you should never say never....

thats why I have realised that I need to get my life back in order, not that my life is a mess now, but seriously you need to go out, you need to be independant, cause these silly little men, dont want a clingy wife......and as my friend 'SMALL' says we gotta keep the men on their feet cause if you dont they tend to take you for granted. and they dont realise this at all.... they are men after all, they only keep track of how dirty the car is.... we are the emotional over analysing monsters, and have i mentioned assumption.... oh man, I have had some very good conversations in my head about what goes on.....

another interesting conversation i had on saturday was that paranoia affects anyone and can affect everyone!!!!!! But sometimes its just your PMS or the hormone contraceptive you're on, cause ladies, that stuff just plays with your mind like nobody's business........ hahahaha....

mums cooking

ok, have you realised that when we watch tv, they usually talk bout food they normally have at home, words we usually hear are, meatloaf, potluck and a roast.....

well I was thinking wats the one thing that almost all houses have in Brunei.....

Ive decided that one meal Ive noticed is AYAM KICAP.... hehehe... and everybody has a favourite... the one i love at home is when my mum makes it, the kuah is thickish but banyak. and then its bit bit pedas.... BEST IN THE WORLD!!!!


ok, if you agree, please describe yours. hahaha. But im sure you guys have other opinions about what you think is a norm at your houses....

I must tell you though another thing that we all love is eggs.... omelets, sunny side up, hard boiled, half boiled... we love eggs.... dont forget that we must have the obligatory chopped onions and sometimes you have your lada hidup......

Growing up a staple of the dining table was either curry, any kind of curry... my late dad was a curry freak, and he cooked the best curry in the world!!!!! hahaha.... yeah yeah your parents cook the best to you guys too.... but then we would also have corned beef and an omelet... hahaha... NUTRITIONAL to the maximum....

But lemme know what your home favourites are.... i like food, i like reading bout food, i especially love eating it... of course!!!!

ENDOMETRIOSIS

So Ive been getting some really painful periods lately............ wait a minute


WARNING: FEMALE PROBLEMS COMING UP, if u cant handle periods and pab smears please dont read..............


So yeah, been getting some seriously painful periods lately, and it appears that my endometriosis is coming back...... Yup its a big word and pretty difficult to prononce.... but what is it? Lemme tell u guys.........




Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrial stroma and glands, which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body.


Endometriosis lesions can be found anywhere in the pelvic cavity: on the ovaries, the fallopian tubes, and on the pelvic sidewall. Other common sites include the uterosacral ligaments, the cul-de-sac, the Pouch of Douglas, and in the rectal-vaginal septum.


In addition, it can be found in caecarian-section scars, laparoscopy or laparotomy scars, and on the bladder, bowel, intestines, colon, appendix, and rectum.


In rare cases, endometriosis has been found inside the vagina, inside the bladder, on the skin, even in the lung, spine, and brain.


The most common symptom of endometriosis is pelvic pain. The pain often correlates to the menstrual cycle, but a woman with endometriosis may also experience pain that doesn’t correlate to her cycle. For many women, the pain of endometriosis is so severe and debilitating that it impacts their lives in significant ways.


Endometriosis can also cause scar tissue and adhesions to develop that can distort a woman’s internal anatomy. In advanced stages, internal organs may fuse together, causing a condition known as a "frozen pelvis."


It is estimated that 30-40% of women with endometriosis are infertile.


If you or someone you care about has endometriosis, it is important to research the disease as much as possible. Many myths and misconceptions about endometriosis still persist, even in medical literature. For many women, management of this disease may be a long-term process. Therefore, it is important to educate yourself, take the time to find a good doctor, and consider joining a local support group.


Symptoms of endometriosis

The most common symptom of endometriosis is pelvic pain. The pain often correlates to the menstrual cycle, however a woman with endometriosis may also experience pain at other times during her monthly cycle.


For many women, but not everyone, the pain of endometriosis can unfortunately be so severe and debilitating that it impacts on her life significant ways.


Pain may be felt:
before/during/after menstruation
during ovulation
in the bowel during menstruation
when passing urine
during or after sexual intercourse
in the lower back region


Other symptoms may include:
diarrhoea or constipation (in particular in connection with menstruation)
abdominal bloating (again, in connection with menstruation)
heavy or irregular bleeding
fatigue


The other well known symptom associated with endometriosis is infertility. It is estimated that 30-40% of women with endometriosis are subfertile.



How scary is that???? I knew it.... I knew that it wasnt normal to have so much pain.... So guys get checked man..... Could affect your fertility.... and the amazing thing with so many scientists and doctors thay have no specific reasons what causes this disease...

But yeah since I was there I got my pab smear done..... Do you know how weird it is to have another woman touch u like that.... Men dont have to go through with these kinds of things.... If u boys had to have an annual checkup where ur privates are on display, poked and prodded ud so think we were the stronger sex.... hahaha


But I must stress the importance of these checkups, its the best way to check for irregular cells that could or could not lead to cancer. and all them little things inbetween, i really dont wanna get into it right now...... hahahah.......


But women... we have a responsibility to get checked right? beri malu plang.... hey man, I even got my breasticles checked.... weird feeling, this lady is pressing and touching ur breasts..... but at least I know that so far so good.... instead of just speculating.....

happiness

I got my mum this book called the 8 steps to happiness.......... Ive just read the first few pages though..................

the thing that caught my eye was the fact that it states emphatically that we should chose to be happy and that its a hard difficult journey.....


But think of that we chose to be happy..... CHOSE!!!!!!

So enuff griping and complaining, its now time to chose to be happy..... ima gonna write more bout this once I actually read the whole book, just incase, I dont wanna give you guys the wrong information But what we should think bout is, are we really happy? do we have the tools? do we even know what makes us truly truly happy........................ After the whole get rich, I have money, I'll be happy, tapi if we watch movies, isnt it always the story, MONEY DOESNT BUY HAPPINESS................... thats the moral of most stories right? Well alot.............

Something to think about......................

the big 3-0

For a twenty year old, this number is a scary one, adults bodybuilders alike are scared... hahaha oklah oklah IM exaggerating, but its true man, 30 big deal ler




and now Ive hit it..... and surprisingly it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be..... My cousin called me all the way from KL just to wish me a Happy Birthday, but the best part was when she said that Im 30, married and have two kids, hilarious when I think that on my 29th birthday it was bulan puasa, I was single with no hopes of ever getting married apatah lagi having kids......

Look at me now world.... its MAGICAL hahaha... but she said I gotta set new goals and aspirations, now thinking bout it, was I so consumed at finding a man? Was I? Sometimes to realise these kinda things is just hard, cause you the one feeling it......

So I got breakfast in bed, my daughter, woke up early with her grandma (my mummy) went outside to pick flowers and make me breakfast, you know what was my first thought....... 'THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE CHILDREN', husbands have a possibility of going you know (not that im asking for that.... jauh palis)

Then I spent the afternoon with my favourite person in the whole world my cousin Czarena......

Had dinner at home....... Oh oh, and I got my first piece of married birthday jewellry, not that I asked for it!!!!! I didnt banar!!!!! But what women doesnt love diamonds.... when you least expect it.... ryte?


So there goes Diana Party animal, well thats a lie, BUT I seriously had more fun staying home.... I must be getting old..... hahaha It happens to even the best of us.... maybe its not age hahaha its the maturity....

Ever heard that the 30s are the new 20s and the 40s are the new 30s..................

Ive decided thats what 30 year olds and 40 year olds say cause they in denial bout how old they are, but hey Ima gonna say it to.............


Im 30........... and its supposedly a CLUB, mana membershipnya? hahaha apa privilegenyakan? ada clubhouse? hahaha well thats it for now

So its Monday.......

I have to set my schedule, I have kids that go to school now......

How amazing is that, last year I didnt have a boyfriend, now Im married and have two children.... magic or what???? hahaha.... I am in no way whatsoever trying to rub it in your faces, HELLO..... I was single for 7 years, Im not saying that this is the perfect marriage and it will last forever, But Im hoping..... You can only hope, my parents married for love and even after divorce and everything my dad went to his grave still loving my mum.....

So marriage is not all about LOVE......

Love man what a word, nobody tells you it comes in so many varying degrees and motions and actions and everything.....

What you thought was love, wasnt, what you dont think is right, most times is.... tell me... sounds confusing? damn straight......

But this post is dedicated to all those parents out there that sacrifice everything for their children...... Where their kids are first and foremost in there lives... priority number one.....

But then I still believe that you have to always make time for husband and wife..... without children, that bond has to be strong..... cause once that bond is lost, into the depths of oblivion, its hard to get it back..... How do you bring up happy, balanced children when their parents arent..... Its just an observation, I still dont wanna call my husband daddy or babah or whatever, NDA SEXY bah... you know what I mean... hahaha.... no offence...

But Im gonna strive to be his girlfriendwifelover for life....... mistress even.... hahaha....

Im talking out my ass I guess, Im only just starting this marriage and motherhood thing, its weird, I always thought I would be a great mother, but now looking at it, IT TAKES ALOT OF WORK, I already dont want them to take on my bad habits, but how do I do that without becoming a hypocrite.....

The difference between a maternal mother and a stepmother.... When I do have biological kids I will feel different but how do I be fair, cause I am the adult right, I know better right.... Ah man, I guess Im gonna take it a day at a time..... and im gonna have to include all uz ppl in it... hahaha

Theres so many things that you learn from having a baby from day one.....

I guess Ive just been so selfinvolved all my life that its actually something that I have to work on, like school bottles and food and clothes and their futures..... and whats gonna happen, but Im gonna try to do it one day at a time, hahaha, am i alone in this feeling? im sure everybody has doubts and worries and stupid thoughts right???? I dont have to perfect straight away right?

Im gonna go and send my girl to school now..... bye peoples.....

OH MY GOD.... How could i be so stupid... so SE-TU-PIT!!!!!!!I forgot to wish everybody a.......................


SELAMAT HARI RAYA, MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN......

muaz, muaz, i add you alredi ah... eh sorry i forgot your love of english, I have linked your blog to mine, I hope you don't mind..... What was that favourite word of yours..... it started with G.... gregarious? no I've forgotten..... hehehe

To those who have read..... the score for this year is, 0-0....

blogs and stuff

Seriously...... Thanks so much for all the LINKING help.... hahaha.... so I've done but it looks like CRAP..... But at least I am semi-technologically uptodate SORTAKINDA.....

now, since Ive been lucky enuff to watch alot of tv in the mornings.... I LOVE IT!!!!! Now the buzz is an issue about a dog....... A DOG!!!!!! A DOG I TELL YOU..... maaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn.... hello, hole in ozone layer, poverty, starvation, murders and what not.....

They're even talking bout lawyers and laws and suing..... and there have been tears.... oh my god..... its amazing what we let ourselves watch... YES I AM GUILTY TOO...... Im watching it now as i type.... SO FUNNY..... its not that its a dog, dont get me wrong, its the fact that its not even a human being..... TERRIBLE EH!!!!


I think I need to add on to this, I was driving behind a pick up truck a few years ago, and there was a dog st the side of the road, and this A-HOLE decides that its a fantastic idea to swerve and hit the dog, ON PURPOSE!!!!! then not being enuff he reverses over it.... what is this???? Nada kraja kah, I dont understand why some people have no conscience what so ever... it says alot about a person when they have no thought for gods creations.....

I believe that people nowadays have no appreciation..... everybodys caught up in the whole, WHATIWANTWHATINEEDWHATIDONTHAVE dont forget the whole, THEYHAVEABETTERCARHOUSECLOTHES thing.....

Appreciate what we have there's a reason for everything and everyone in this world,


There are bad people so we know how to APPRECIATE goodness, bad things happen so we can appreciate the GOOD...... even dogs have a purpose, what other animal can lead and protect blind people??? You know those watch dogs I couldnt imagine a watchTIGER? a watchHORSE? what kan? Just cause you cant touch dogs doesnt mean they are devils? or SETAN? Apa lah.....

I STILL THINK ELLEN THING IS STILL TOO MUCH....... hehehe.... ujungnya.....

ok fine, ima gonna forget bout my pride and be completely honest..........................

CAMANAKAN ME LINK ORANG ANI......................

I would love to 'LINK' other blogs and websites.......... I dont know how to.......

So if u really nice people could help me out with this linking business it would be fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!

free hugs

i was watching starnews last night........


And there's this thing where they give away FREE HUGS in japan......

Good concept I agree, But I think its damn funny when I think about all my friends that are crazy for Japanese hunks man....

I can already imagine them running around and grabbing any cute guy, totally ignoring the white folk not like the Japanese girls I saw.... Hahaha.....

If I ever organised that, like a FREE HUGGING CRUISE SHIP to travel all over the world, specific destinations Im sure, where confirmed hotties originate, like Japan, some LATIN and European countries.... ah man, Id have a blast just looking at the mob of FREE HUGGING girls... hahaha, running around like headless chickens, no thats wrong they would have a definate targets .... hahaha.... trying to give free hugs to the members of Peter Pan, but totally ignoring the crew.... mana obvious tu... hahaha

Yes yes Im married, doesnt mean I have to lose my sense of humor or my personality right... hahaha....

Oh shut up, you might disagree now, but I bet you the thought does have merit in the middle of the night when all are asleep or when your mind drifts and you let yourself think of absolute garbage.....

THOUGHTS

So we've been trying to put together the wedding albums, half way through you sorta kinda just wanna give up cause there's so many.....


But I've actually had so much more on my mind, I just think its funny how this month everything seems to happen, maybe you guys dont agree, but it seems that everybody's real character comes out....

But who do you blame? Do you blame themselves? Should they know better? Maybe if you're an adult, YES!!!! but a child NO!!!!

But you cant blame children, they just follow the behaviour of their parents, so for me it is the adults responsibility to take care of their children!!! Did they ask to be born? No!!!! But as parents you brought them into this world, it is your job.... YOUR JOB to take care of them, make sure they have enough guidance to be some sort of a good person... you dont dump these kids with your friends, while you go and get married start a new life.... Whats wrong with these kinds of people....

It is not the job of the brothers and sisters, even in the court of law.... even in religion it says that in the case of something happening to the parents, it is the duty of first the fathers family, ie brothers, sisters, uncles, aunties...... Then it comes to the mothers family, her sisters and brothers and mother and father aunties and uncles, IT IS NOT, i repeat, IT IS NOT the sisters or brothers of the child's responsibility..... Unless everyone else is dead......

If you understand you understand.....

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...

Sometimes your past deeds, how you treated other people is finally coming back to you..... KARMA is a powerful thing.... Its so scary, Im scared.... You never know what you've done to hurt other people.... everyone is different, what you think is funny others wont and vice versa.


I think people would get along so much better if we all just accepted people for who they are.... and stop trying to make everybody the same... what a boring world indeed....

photos.....

So we finally went to get our pictures developed......


MAHAL eh... MAHAL!!!!!

I wanted to do two copies to give away, but the prices r too much man......

But its the thought that counts right? hehehe

The husband is sick.... But its alright.... So here I am blogging instead.... Ima gonna show u some pictures of our first leg of the honeymoon in langkawi....

The weather was beautiful when we got there, just nice to chill and relax, was so looking forward to chilling at the beach and the pool....


Then suddenly we were watching TV3... earthquake.... TSUNAMI ALERT!!!!

We tried to enjoy our holiday, but we just couldnt relax... the next day was so beautiful, we even bought swimsuits....

Then it started to rain and rain and rain.... the waves right outside our door were getting fierce... we left langkawi on the third evening... instead of spending 5 days there... oh well....


THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THEIR WELL WISHES AND REALLY SWEET COMMENTS.....

I promise to blog soon and add some captions to explain the pictures, but now i gotta pack.... see ya............

bersanding n ambilambilan